I have been reading blogs, and have always enjoyed them. I remembered stopping only because some idiotic and fucked up teacher in beatty secondary school - Ms F (kind of forgot her name) gave us hell because of something she came across but she actually could not do.
www.brokenpromis-es.blogspot.com
It was my blog since sec 1, and perhaps only sec 1. I wanted to continue on that blog, but even blogspot has changed so much, that I can only use google to sign in and not my previous yahoo mail.
It has been many years, and I have been through a lot of ups and downs. But I thank God for bringing Elnaam into my life. So currently I am having my internshit and I cannot wait to end it soon, so I get to really relax and spend time with him.
I guess it has been a really tough week for me, hence coming back to a blog where I can just type everything out and hopefully feel better about it soon. I don't really have a choice as to who I am a child of, but it turns out to be pretty fucked up because it is haunting me. The past decisions they made, and the kind of people talking to me, and the childishness of you, just irks me out. I get that you try and make things up but some things just cannot be made up for. The time that was lost in all that struggle, it is something that can never be repaid.
Today, it was SG open and edlyn was competing - tho she didnt do very well. Elnaam and char came in the morning to support her, left to his house after the first session and back again when he left for work. (exactly why i hate intershit, he works his butt off but we get peanuts - because we are cheap labour) The first session, I felt that her routine was not up to standard, and it was quite sloppy. Before I left and went to tell daddy bye, I saw her and I told her I felt she did quite badly, and she called me a bitch. Anyway, I just went back to watch her failed even more. I encouraged her and tried to cheer her up tho - at least to me I did what a sister should. After the comps when we were home, I found out that she had another account (add_lin) and a lot of friends were following her. I tried to follow her too and then I asked her when she was eating dinner at the table, she said she will not allow me to follow.
Sometimes, I dont know why I put in so much effort for people who dont know how to (not even reciprocate) but at least, APPRECIATE. I think I need to reconsider on how much to invest. Not the first person to dissappoint me, not the first person to take me for granted, but it just hurts in a different way knowing that your own SISTER treats me like that as well. To know that I am only appreciated when I bring gifts like santa claus - coming back from JB, when I bought trigger ball for her, when I paid for stuff and told her she didn't have to pay me.
Why do I always get hurt in the end? Is it because of my fucked up sensitivity? I think I was right from the start, I'm better off heartless.
I could really use a break from this world, from the expectations, from the efforts of trying to please others, from work, from parents, from school, from the pressure of this world, from feelings... I just wanna run away, but I have nowhere to go.
I was thinking of heading down to bishan again after my long awaited underwater world date with my darling, but on second thought, it isnt even appreciated anyway; I shouldn't bother.
